They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
