I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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