I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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