why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
