Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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