I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
