you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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