Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
