not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
