I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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