Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
