Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
