Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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