I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
