She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I AM VODKA MAN
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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