Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
