Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
