Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
