can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
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