don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
These tits shall not be calmed
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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