I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
