Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
