he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
