you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
