You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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