i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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