I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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