My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
