Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
