the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
