Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
