I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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