you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
