I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
