Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I want to be your penis for a week.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
