I wish my penis had an off switch
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
