his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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