She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
