Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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