I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
