I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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