OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
