I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
