Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
