I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize