My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
