i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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