My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
