Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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