He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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