This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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