i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
