every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
