I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
