I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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