she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just took my morning after pill in the library
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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