dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
