onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
