I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
