She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
