I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
