I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
