Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
