her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
ttyl tear gas
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
