The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
