Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize