I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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