someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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